Break a Leg !

Long long ago, when I was 3 years old. There was a fancy dress competition in my school. My Mother immediately enlisted me in the competition.

On the day of the contest My Mother draped her beautiful red sparkling saree around me. And pinned a matching fragrant red Cossandra(Kanagambaram) flower on my hair. They brought a makeup kit and painted my face pale and lips red. On top of all this I was given a bright green coloured ladies bag to hang on my shoulders. I was to be a teacher on stage.

After an hour-long struggle, they brought me to the venue of the competition. They had prepared a small monologue for me to recite. I was to be a teacher on stage.

As we reached the competition venue, I realized it was as big as a football stadium. As I was waiting behind the stage for my turn, I felt panic crawling through every inch of the saree. I wondered if my mother draped her saree or her fears around me ?

Finally it was my turn. As I walked onto the stage, The entire hall was as silent as a grave. I held the Mike and took a deep breath and (pause) Cried out loudly. I was immediately carried downstairs by my class teacher Sarala Miss.

Almost 12 years later, when I was in my 10th standard, I remembered this incident. The scar was deeply seated in my heart. And I decided to heal the wound with wine.

There was a play of The Merchant of Venice at my school for Independence day. My desire to prove my mettle consumed me like a burning fire. I played the Antagonist of the play this time. When I went home to tell my mother I was playing “Portia”, my mother was more happy than me as she got a chance to dress me beautifully like a lady. But I left no stone unturned to make sure I was as spotless as the snow on stage. So I did allow my mother to dress me like a lady once again.

As I got onto the stage, yet again anxiety axed my legs and I was left motionless. As I was pleading with Shylock for mercy “The quality of mercy is not strained.(act like forgotten) It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. . . .”

Mercy was not strained but I was. For forgetting the lines of Portia. In fact I had a few more lines to remember forever, on my back.

Stage Fright won every time I got on stage. I felt i was fighting against a goliath. I was convinced to give up all Stage related activities.

But fate found me from the farthest corners. Almost after another decade, I was jobless for six months. As I was surfing the web for opportunities, I noticed an audition for an English stage Play called Rock Of Ages.

I felt like giving the stage one last try. I did not want to fail this time. And If I did, I was sure I was never going to get on stage again. So I prepared my monologue thoroughly.

On the day of the audition, I was standing there in front of the director’s house. My heart was racing faster than a horse. I was drenched in an ocean of sweat. And when my turn came, I walked into the hall, with words as my sword. I recited the monologue as clean as snow.

I had crossed half the ocean, but still there was some anxiety in me. And on the day of Tech rehearsal, the director found me a little too nervous and anxious. He called me and asked “Hey Kaushik, what’s wrong? Why are you so nervous? “

I was worried whether I should tell him the truth. My role was a very small role and what if he decides to remove me from the play knowing my history. But still I blurted out the truth even before even that train of thought ended.

He sighed and told me, “ I had this same problem with the stage. And then once my mentor told me, do it if you feel good. Not for the fame, not for proving your mettle. But to enjoy yourself as you are and as you do.”

It made clear sense to me. I realized that I never gave attention to the happiness that comes out of doing something on stage. Rather I was always worried about screwing it up. I decided to just give attention to the joy and happiness of being on stage and performing, and forget about all other possibilities. And we did break a leg, in the play.

Every time i had an opportunity, Nervousness found me. And I was never free as a wind on stage. Every time I had an opportunity, anxiety axed me. I wanted to get rid of my anxiety and be mighty on the stage. My own expectations were hindering my growth. That day, I realized, the lesser I expect, the more the freedom, the more the freedom, the better I acted, the better I acted, the greater I felt.